Tag Archives: thinking

Old Flames

Posted on by

0

One of the strangest things happened to me back at the beginning of September.  I was at work in that big, massive place full of cogs like myself, when, walking through the main lobby (which I do, but not really), I thought I saw my high school sweetheart amongst a group of other suits, possibly on a tour of the cog establishment.

Obviously, he was very busy, and I did not interrupt.  I am not sure that he saw me, as I only had the quickest glimpse.  I spent the rest of the day, enamored and focused on thinking about this past fling.

That evening, back at home, I started to Google his name, as I knew it.  (Just to reveal the embarrassing… I have Googled myself, in an attempt to see if I could access everything about me from the Google.)  In any case, I found very little.  There was a long list of people who had the same name, and just glancing at the photo or the title and the location, I easily ignored more than half the list.  What I did find out from my snooping, is that he has become quite successful.  A nice title, a nice suit and haircut, and probably earning more than one hundred thousand a year.

I had feelings that I did not feel since then, suddenly come to memory.  The sight I remembered that he looked like.  It is strange to me that I did not develop a distaste for the situation.  I guess that the both of us have not moved very far from where we started.  We still live in the same city–in a good neighborhood–and we both have families we are raising.  (I cheated and read a few posts on the Facebook page.)

We both have done well, in my estimation.  We were part of a tight-knit group at school, and we are now all with degrees from the Professional Schools.  And the funny thing, all of us have lost tough with each other. Is high school a big place?  Have we moved ourselves into smaller existences?  Is this how life always happens?

If I hadn’t seen him in such a dislocated place, a place so different than what we knew of each other to be like, I would’ve just dismissed it, disregarded it.  I would’ve left it till the next day at school, between classes, to talk to him, or drop him a note.  Now, all the  thoughts that came flying through my mind was, “Could I afford to carry on a relationship based on a past, fleeting, fling?”  Unfortunately, I was left in the place where I had no answer.

I do feel uneasy, now, at work.  Thinking that I will meet him again.  Depending on the circumstances, I have thought to myself, that I may just ignore him.  The situation?  So, that we don’t have to do that “Dance with the Devil by the moonlight.”  It is funny, with old boyfriends and even just quickie flings, that there is much more ill ease than falling in love.  Even, now, at least ten years later.

So, I now wander the halls of our “Cog Establishment” with apprehension, for the next little while at least, as what I gues to be the project that might employ someone like him.  I have run the gamut from ignoring him completely, to being best friends at work.  Apparently, we both have exceeded each other’s appraisal of the other, otherwise we’d be married with children.  Sometimes, in daydreams, I imagine that we could celebrate fifty and seventy-five year marriage anniversaries, if we did, in fact, marry each other as high school sweethearts.

Just once, since September, I contemplated in a real way, about including him in my list of friends and family that I send Christmas Cards to.  But, in a real way, as well, I thought it would just look like a political move.  Meaning that I could not see any redemptive, non-calculating reason for this action.  So, just as quickly, I crossed that thought out of my mind as well.

Now, I am thinking we a have a situation, without presence.  There is a life born out of this “encounter” that goes beyond the present… we do not have contact, and yet we have existence inside our new aquarium.  I am wondering if everything is the same with him.

I have thought…. more, again…  That if we truly do not make contact with each other, that my one new year’s resolution will be to cross out his name and think no more about it at all.  We all seem to have those problems…  Problems of dangling friends.  Those “holder’s-on” that are politically useful, but, really, just suck life and time out of everyone.  I am hoping not to enter into a second “dangle-on” situation.

The useful thing that has come out of seeing something old in a new place, is that I have gone through my memory box (Year Book included) and relived, and then purged, those ideas, thoughts, sights, and smells, from encroaching on the useful and livable parts of my life.  I have strengthened the ties that I have withe the things that I have now, and I have said, “Goodbye,” after the time I should have said it.  I am probably quite complacent with myself now, but it is justified.

And so, I wish everyone that I will not see in December, a “Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!”

Beauty Is Real

Posted on by

0

Is something real, beautiful, or is something put into words beautiful?  I keep looking at the building construction outside my office window, and I keep seeing beauty in the materials, the strength in the colors of the cement and the wood and the steel.  Sometimes the rhythm of nail drivers, sometimes hammers, and even shouts of men’s voices and the crash of the things thrown, have a beauty that is heard.  The saw and the hum of the crane and the bull dozers is constant, like the many voices in unison can be heard, but not the words.

This scene is most welcoming, and almost soothing, in the morning after an hour commute.  Something human is constructive.  With a long day ahead, it is reassuring to believe it will work, that the frustration common in work is always happening, but things will be greater than this–especially the sounds continuing towards the establishment of something new–or even just a new building.

So, is the world filled with useless work?  Is some of this work needless, and wasteful?  Is the only goal to do something every day that you can do?  Or should your job verge, always, on the pleasurable?  Is it important that you be loved, or loved for your role, your position, your job?  If you have no money to spend on your home, do you still have a home?

In utopia, there is no money.  Only endless jobs to do, and therefore continually, and endlessly, make the universe work.  There is no demotions and promotions, related to money, but just achievement, the goal, since this is what makes people happy and proud.  At this point I think of my mother’s home.  For decades now, she has kept a special list, titled, “A Happy Home Recipe.”  It mentions things like love, loyalty, forgiveness and friendship, plus another four that deal with others helping you out, hope, tenderness, faith, and laughter.  For the longest time, I felt this was the most perfect, more beautiful thing of all.  The way I felt as if I were  being hugged, and loved.  I have no memory of being with my mother on a shopping trip to particularly buy this plaque, and I think, this is why I don’t associate its message with money.  I still think of it when I visit my mother.

Now, back to beauty.  Are beautiful things the only things that are real?  To take a thought experiment to the extreme end, the foible of human beings is to assume that beautiful things are naturally rich, and better, and easier.  Take all the glam and money in Las Vegas….  The stores there only have things that can be bought with a mortgage, and it is assumed that if you go to Vegas, you have some money to spend, or invest.  I have been there, and I do admit that my thoughts tend to run on and I see fountains running and spraying with coins rather than water.  It is like money can make the impossible happen.  Is it beautiful?  Is it even real?

Sometimes, I wish for more privacy than the hordes in Las Vegas can give me when I am on a trip or vacation.  The idea, I think, is that crowds there, fill the void common in any city or town.  It is along “the strip” that I am thinking.  In any other city, at a place of beauty, there is no sense of abandon.  That people are carefree and laughing, and not thinking of the priorities that need to be done by next week.  The “strip” is teeming with hordes of people, especially the young and rich, who exude this energy.  There is no rush, no hurry.  Only pleasure and enjoyment.  And, yes, lots and lots of money.  For most people any other trip or vacation cannot rival the wealth and riches of Las Vegas.  The non-stop flow of money in and out.  Taking a cruise to somewhere comes close, though.

So, in my thoughts, I am guessing that beauty is not limited to “real” things.  Every day, I draw breath, at the small things that happen.  The brown hare in our backyard.  The call of the infrequent owl at night when I have opened my window.  The construction sit that builds and moves slowly, by increments, like watching a stop-action camera become conscious and produce a film over months.  I love the first snowfall.  So delicate, and light, as if the snow is the real color of transparency.  I love the beauty of the old parts of town, where artisans have set up shop, creating and selling wares, of beauty and imagination.

I am looking forward to surprising my children to a two week vacation in December, for the Christmas Holidays.  Filling their days with some warm sunshine, and, hopefully, a sense of carefree joy.  To suddenly, one year have a Christmas away from snow, and attending too many get-togethers and parties.  I am sure where we are going, there will be a “Midnight Christmas Party.”

An Elixir For Love

Posted on by

0

“I was thinking about an elixir for love, the other day.  It would make beautiful people I see–almost anywhere–just become attractive.  We would fall in love, and have the most wonderful life to live!  Why did I think of such an absurd thing?  I noticed that beautiful people and I were not attractive!  We were not attracting each other!”

This is a quote, and could possibly come from all the new dating sites that have sprung up in the past five years, everywhere.  It actually is something my son said to me, on his observation of life.  (It’s sort of a summer homework project, I gather.)  From being in school, everyone is in cliques.  “And this completely shuts people off from each other,” observed again, my son.  If someone in clique A wanted to talk to someone in clique B, then there would ensue a whole ruler-full of acitivity that would evolve into a whole set of political manoeuvring, set either to establish new clique rules or to completely destroy the social lives of the clique-rule-breakers.  This is high school for thugs, politicians, and the dating game.

When I heard him say these things, I immediately wanted to counter him with something truly more worthy of reality than what he said he sees.  And, if you have guessed correctly, I was not exactly able to make my case for the shallow lives of teenagers.

I also thought back to my high school days, and yes, his description of just this one feeling, is very accurate.  Almost every high school interaction is heavy, laden, with much prejudice, and attempts to be someone part of something important.  If not for one’s own self-aggrandizement, then, for protection against those who who held much “political power” to make life miserable.  Teenagers need to feel rich, able to drive the car, and if not, then, to be able to have friends who have cars.  This is the center core of every teenager’s hope in life.  They need evidence, that does not yet exist, of worthiness, money, and value.

So, what is with my son’s need to buy an elixir for love?  Our talk actually did continue.  It was not stopped and stunted without investigation.  He is not necessarily older and more mature in his few years, but he has heard the lectures nd the talk of those who are more mature and have more experience.  So, I asked him, what exactly he was thinking of when he used such a strong metaphor for his thoughts and feelings?  He said something surprising enough, that it surprised me a little.  His answer?  “We are always trapped in roles we do not like.”  He is blessed with the gift of the gab, like his mother, and I immediately thought of a million things to say to him, but, I thought carefully so that I would only say what could possibly made sense to a teenager.

“Are you doing something you don’t want to do right now?”

My son hesitated, and, I gather, to try to figure out what it was we were both saying to each other.  “Everyone just hates each other all the time!  Everyone is boring.  The girls are boring, and the guys get boring.  I hate ending up stuck at someone’s house, or hanging out in the cafeteria, because there’s always nothing to do.  And people just get boring!”

I took a deep breath. It seemed that there was something on his mind.  I was wondering if there was something unrequited?  He did not answer, and was a still statue.

So, I did prod him a little, and yes, it seems, that there was a girl that was hanging out close to him and his friends, but she never really responded to the things he said or to his flat out questions about just going to hang out with him.  He was getting frustrated, but since she did always end up hanging out, close to him and his friends, he was also getting confused.  He imagined that there could be an “elixir of love” that could just make everything clear!  This girl, then, would not be so confusing, and cause him so much heartache!

“And,” as he says, “attractive people would be attractive to each other!”

I commiserated with him.  Yes, he is experiencing something that not only teenagers face every day, but something that a lot of people face in life.  I applaud him for his insight into the matter, and suggested that the answer may not be the elixir, but for him to either wait for another year, or, to find an official school club for him and this girl to join together.  “Believe it or not,” I said, “some girls are very shy, even more shy than some boys!  Don’t give up!”

He seemed to be relieved.  I am hoping, right now, that the problem does have this answer, and not some other, terrible, unexplanable answer, that perhaps only someone like God can answer.

My son and I smiled at each other, and we gave each other confidence in each other.  I am again, blessed with an easy life, and I cross my fingers every day, that we remain such a happy, lucky, family.  And, if I could, I would bottle all this into an elixir called “life” and give it away to people, spreading the joy, and the freedom that comes with joy.

Opinions Affect the World

Posted on by

0

I spent some time today meditating.  It was not scheduled and not planned for.  I was forced into an instant, complete, deep, meditation on life, through some rude comments I overheard in the public street.  I was walking on the crowded street, and behind me were two men, who were fairly young, and they were laughing and joking along the walk, for which I was participating with them for about five minutes.

I was in my own world, oblivious to any real, true thought, that could be worth money or friends.  I was doing my laundry list.  Then, amid the jokes and the funny stories, there came two very rude comments from the young men behind me.  They wondered why they had missed the dwarf-throwing contests due to their age.  They lamented that because they were born five years too late, that the bars and the clubs that regularly scheduled these contests were not doing it any more.  Neither of them were very large themselves, and in my opinion, I doubt that they could lift a very small dwarf in order to throw him.

The second offensive comment was very related, in fact, and came within a short minute of the first one.  They were wondering why midgets, somewhat like dwarfs, were completely out of proportion.  However, unlike the dwarfs, who have a bulk of muscle (for the male dwarfs) and a cuteness (for the female dwarfs), midgets were eerie.  If they stood in isolation, against a dark background and the only light was coming from a camera, which they were facing, they would look exactly like a monster form the depths of the swamp.  “Humanoid” but odd.  Eerie.  They would probably be looking upwards, towards the camera being held by an average-sized human being. They look like they are wearing children’s clothes, even if they are forty.  How do you address the situation, when confronted with the issue of talking to a midget?  Is it possible to find a seat, and feel that there are equals involved in the conversation?

Throwing dwarfs probably included throwing midgets, but, then again, they would probably be left out of the party, well, because it is eerie.

Many jobs require people to stand behind a counter and a cash register, as well as working all the machinery behind the counter.  What first job could a dwarf or midget get?  Like left-handedness, most of the world cannot accommodate these people.  They need to fend for themselves.  I concur with this option.  Let the dwarfs and midgets write a list of what they need, as they are the most familiar with what it is they need, and hand it in to their employer… proof that they are suitable for the job.  There should be subsidies for the employer for the adjustment in accommodations, since, it is a health issue, and the person most qualified for the job, will do a good job with successful work, with only small cost to anyone and everyone.

I am hoping that the rude and anti-dwarf and anti-midget comments are not the way that people treat these “little people.”  They are physically smaller, with a slight difference in proportion, but I find it is equivalent to racism that they are considered “not normal.”  They have brains, just like the rest of us, which, is of course a very fine insrtument when it is well-used and well-treated.  They have emotions, which can be hurt, by anything, and it is literally true, because any slight tone applied to a completely innocuous set of words changes it into “hate propaganda.”

As I found myself thinking about these things, at the speed of thought, I became scared and angry, and walked more quickly ahead, which was not entirely needed as the two behind me were already out of range of hearing within a few blocks.  The two young men might have actually turned at one of the corners.

I am, myself, considered by many, to be of average height, size, appearance, and intelligence.  I think that if I have this reaction to words, opinions, and thoughts, that there is a whole world out there that reacts the same way I do.  I am blessed with the gift of the gab, and I can talk about things until the cows come home, so, I think that I am also speaking for all those that hold the same opinion but perhaps cannot speak for it.

I believe that the world can change, and it takes only each person doing what it is they can.  I also became afraid when I heard what was said behind me, but I did what I could, taking the pen in hand , and wielding it against their weapons…  the opinions they voiced.  And as each person I can get to read this, to think about it, and then, in turn to do their part, the world will change.  It takes each person, to change the world.

I Think Therefore I Am

Posted on by

0

I am wondering what sense it is making when you say, “I think, therefore I am.”  I am not sure if it is as much as a definition of being human as much as it is a definition of life.  If you watch your dog sniffing, scratching, digging, and, of course, excitedly greeting you with licks from his tongue, violently-wagging tail, and even barking to get your un-divided attention, there is no other explanation other than that he is thinking.  Cats are even more complex.  They are cats when they leave you at any time, going to find someplace to sleep, or, when they are loose, they become like wild animals, running from sounds and other people–frightened, of who knows what.  Then, as they like, they will seek your attention, and purr, satisfied, when it is given to them.

And, I continue to think.  Even plants–unable to move or make sound–almost seem to have the ability to think.  All plants and trees grow upwards, towards the sun.  So, if they are nearby a window, in the house, they will lean, from the pot, towards the sunlight.  If you play the plants music, or even talk to the plant, they will flourish, and grow with amazing, miracle-like, speed and health.  The thing with plants and trees is that they have no real ability to defend themselves.  So, unable to cling to life, they are at the mercy of the more able.

So, is being smarter, a more accurate definition of being human?

Really, is being smarter only useful in taking tests and trying to get the score of 100%?  Is happiness made of brains?  I can  only guess that cat and dog are both happy animals.  And that human beings, being more dominant, and smarter, perhaps the word is complex–Are we smarter or dumber?  The thing with us is that we both create happiness and sorrow, both from being smarter and dumber too.

Is there any such thing as living a perfect life?  Like a pitcher in baseball, who can pitch a full game, without one hit nor base run, can we also live a perfect life?  Perfect, being 100%.  Perfect, being happy with whatever it is you have, even if it is not perfect.  Have any of us ever seen an unhappy dog?  An unhappy cat?  Do all we do, with a dying and dead plant, is put it into the recycling–the green compost?  Are we happier, because we know what to do?

As summer vacation is coming to being half over, I think of the plans that I had at the beginning, and how everything happened differently.  Even I, cannot predict, with all my thought and experience, the things I plan for.  Things start somewhere, and I remember these starts again, and again, and I tell myself and my kids that soon, yes, we will do everything soon.

So, happily, I am going to try to get out into the sun, with sunscreen, and try to just soak up the warmth that doesn’t happen in the winter.  I cherish such beautiful days.  And I remember that happiness sometimes is just the sun rising and setting and the moon at night.

Official Welcome to Summer!

Posted on by

0

The pavement was hot this afternoon, radiating heat from its black asphalt top, making the day very humid.  We were in suburbia where all roads are big, wide, and long.  The buildings lining the sides of the “highway-like” main streets were heated as well.  It was one large, integrated, oven.  I couldn’t wait to get out of the parking lot and into the air-conditioned mall, and coming out, I couldn’t wait to get into the car and turn on the energy-sucking air-conditioning as well.  What made this situation overbearing was the constant sunshine.  It is much pleasanter on a beach,  in this circumstance, as I would not be covered in clothes.  I would have the sunscreen, a good pair of sunglasses, and possibly a movable umbrella to park over top of my movable beach chair.  (And probably, I would get the chance to get drunk if I had bought something all-inclusive!)  In any case, today’s weather was a welcome start to the summer season.

I was thinking only good thoughts.  And, who wouldn’t if they had such nice weather?  The sales were on in the shops, and having my cell phone with me, made me relax because I wasn’t anxious about missing the links to all the work happening.

So, my mind also seems to speed in this good weather.  I think fast, sometimes, furious thoughts.  “Furious” as in fast with a tail of heat that is pleasant, blazing an idea or chasing a laugh.  It is easy to think from  one thing to another.  I could only laugh, all afternoon.  This made me a little looser with my pocketbook, and I let myself make many dollar sale purchases.

I looked forward to getting home, as I had this itch again.  This itch to put my ideas in to an essay, so that I have more than just a memory of sunshine and beaches.

The fun thing about the four seasons, is that we are willing to suffer a lot, in order to enjoy the best weather.  Even if the best weather is actually here for less than a quarter of the year.  We put all this tolerance, all this thought forward, all this endurance, into our hearts and minds, so that the best weather is truly as it is…  As it truly exists.  We have no dispute.

And back home, doing the usual things (outside it is still “unusually” hot and sunny… compared to just one week ago), doing the usual things also seems easier and more fun to do.  It is not, something that will take two hours….  It is something that will splish splash, and be all clean, again, with no idea where the time went!  So, I will do the laundry, and I will make an easy dinner on the grill.  Then we will oh so comfortably and oh so easily fall asleep tonight.  I know in the morning, because I got the activity and I didn’t stress out, and I was relaxed, with rest and confidence in the world, that I will be very well-rested.  I am looking forward to having times like these more often.  I am hoping that it is not just this time of year when I will have times like these.  I have hope.

The coming global warming trend does trouble me.  I worry that good things will be harder to find and that it will take more money to find any of it.  I am always afraid of the future, as what I have now is only sufficient for now, and not another fifty years.  I am part of a group of people where great change happened to us all very very quickly in a short span of time.  There is no prediction possible, time-wise, or product wise… or if there will even be success.  I am always in some sort of “school.”  It is a place I am familiar with, with experts, professionals, and peers.  We see each other often and we give ourselves projects, trying to get people interested in our ideas and creations.

So, now, I relax.  The good sunny weather is a Godsend.  It helps my mood, and it makes living the minutia of every day, something pleasant.  I play a little more in the sun.  I spend more time doing productive work, with more of a smile on my face. I feel this smile, as my heart is as light as the day is.  I remember to thank people more often, and I remember to appreciate the little things… the minutia. So, this is my official welcome to summer.   And, this year, I am looking toward a good year.  A year of feeling happy and successful.  Ola!