I try to get to the  gym when I can.  It is one of those things that reaps rewards, but before getting there, I often prefer to sit at home and eat an ice cream sandwich.  Basically, it defeats the point of  going to the gym on the other days, as well.  It is only guild that gets me to pack my gym bag, get a good and clean sports bra, sport socks, and the parking pass.  As time has passed, this routine has almost become practice, as now, I associate both doing the laundry, as well as staining all my gym clothes, to be part of the life of visiting gyms.  The workout, if I can get to that point, is definitely, something I look forward to too.

I miss the days when I was in school when it was so easy to put on a pair of runners and just go out to the field and spend time throwing a Frisbee. Often, we would also toss with each other.  A football I once tried, and I can’t do it, but I’ve been able to put on a glove and toss a baseball.  On sunny days, I would run the track around the field, and if I felt daring, I would hit the sidewalk pavement and run a few kilometers in the neighborhood.

Those days are past and gone now.  My time is not a lot of time any more.  I am stretched very thin between kids, husband, work, and any time for myself.  Yes…  I often lose count of how many times I’ve given over my own personal time to all those other people who need me.  It is almost like I purposely martyr myself.   But I also know that they wouldn’t ask me to spend some of my time with them.  I am the all-knowing, all-capable, mother of all things, and they rely on me in this role I have.  I did not choose to take this job, but, as part of my life, I have this role….  Unpaid.

The reward is truly great.  When I get angry and start to yell at these people, for, they got me angry, I will come again, and again, across the fact that no payment, and no money, is involved.  It works both ways… and the bottom line is that we are stuck together, and it will take much more than a cheque to separate us.

So, as I sit here, composing this particular letter to no one in particular, I have already made a list of things I have to do–for next week, Monday to Sunday, and there is no room to change any of this schedule, unless some of the people I martyr for, are willing to change the schedule.  I am lucky, this week.  I may be able to get to the gym.

Time keeps going even if I stop.  I am afraid that if I stop, I will become a very large mountain of fat and flesh.  And even if time continues to march, I will be a putrid, heavy, smelly, mountain.  There is nothing that can stop time, just as there is nothing that can change time.  We must keep our eyes and senses open, and look to the things that are ours to have and to keep.  And thus, we would have power to change.  when I get stuck, and unsure, I remind myself of this essential fact of life.  And I approach the problem, the issue, the opportunity, with my mind clear and sure.  Sometimes I have to sleep on these things, until I find the answer that works.  And, I remind myself, that no matter how large and difficult a problem is, there is some way to work on it….

Have I given enough time to a problem?  It’s something I’m never sure of, until the problem doesn’t come back.  And when this happens, I celebrate, like a cancer patient becoming cured, declared cancer-free, because it is in remission.  Each time, I hope, I pray, for the miraculous, even while I do everything in my power, knowing that it is truly luck, serendipity, and prayer, that work to change life, after you have given everything and all that you are.

It is frightening to contemplate why we have life or why we even have consciousness.  But, life, is int he details, as much as the devil is too.