It is easy to love someone who is beautiful.  When we are in love, everything is perfect, even when we yell at each other angrily, threatening the bindings around us.  At that time, no one is perfect, and definitely love is not perfect at all.  Because  I usually dismiss anything that is not perfect, I storm out and leave you.  The next day, with regret and embarrassment and tenderness, I plead for forgiveness, and demand a condition: stop starting arguments over things that are past changing.  Things sometimes are broken and things sometimes can’t be dealt with through demands an irresponsible, uncaring handling.

Sometimes even when the sun is out, the storminess of a relationship is enough to make the day feel cloudy and overcast, and damp, and hopeless, and like even asking a question is not going to take anything anywhere….  Let alone being the answer to the question of the problem.  The mind whirls around and around, the quiet sound of moving emotions, a quiet soundtrack to the beating heart.  And, so, in confrontation of the situation, we find a way to think of doing what is always so impossible after an argument.  We will re-explain ourselves.  We will listen to what you are saying, and accept it as real, and worth my careful consideration and effort in careful handling.

And, so, I am in love with a beautiful man.  And, we argue, not because it makes us work on our relationship, but, because, our relationship sometimes is not perfect.  We are always threatening the end to each other, but, something makes us come back.  Is it the politeness we have with each other?  Does this mean we are always stuck in second gear?  Never continuing to go to THAT place?  What will make us comfortable?  What will make us stop making threats to each other?  And, make our arguments about our poor taste in fashion, or our mistake in meeting an appointment because we are absent minded… not an issue of being a cruel and evil couple.  Are we truly in the deepest love with each other?  Are we poor at the games couples play?  Why, do we have all these troubles and problems?

I am afraid we will start using our bank accounts as ammunition in our on-going battle.  I am afraid that we will, or at least one of us, will end up a street person, dragging the world’s belongings around with us, picking up shopping carts and other towing contraptions with us.  We sleep in filth, covering the shopping cart with garbage bags so that n one will take it, or, any of the things inside.  I am afraid that all we will have of each other, will be some framed photograph that is the last one we can hold on to…  It being the last vestige of evidence of having been married to each other.

We have not taken our argument of each other to the front of our children.  They do not hear our dissatisfaction with each other.  As much as they are concerned, we are a happily married couple with a happy family that will be together for all of eternity.  It boggles my mind, that anyone, any two people, can be in love forever….  Happily ever after.  How much of it is work?  And how much of it is love?  It is difficult.  So, when we have that time, that place that our children do not go to (at least, not with us), we redirect our view.  We are starting to find some other view.   Some other reason.  Some other way to love.  “Staying together for the  Children” is not something that will hold us together for very long.  Right now, it almost feels like we are lying all the time, especially, to our children.  So, whenever we get that chance, to go to that place, we do.  We send our children to Grandma’s and Grandpa’s, and we have that time.

This is not a quick and fast way to make our marriage work, but it is something that we appreciate in each other.  We are working with our relationship with the things that work in it.  We are going towards loving each other like we did, before two others, namely, our son and daughter, became our family.  On our eyes, we want to be that “Number 1” to each other that we once were.

The Spring is coming.  Fear of floating around the universe alone is not appealing.  I truly hope that we can work out the problems stopping our relationship from being all that it can be.  Either that, or we fiend out the limit that our relationship is… through work and caring, and mutual effort and understanding of each other.  I am someone who truly wants to be on this journey of life that is here now.  I hope that it is  something that I will not be in regret with.  I don’t want to fail at living my life.